How to Parent a Child Who is Terrified of Making Mistakes

Five practical steps to break the perfectionist cycle.

Like many children, my youngest daughter is the ultimate perfectionist. Sure, this is fantastic when it comes to things like making her bed or cleaning up her toys—who doesn’t love a clean room?

It’s the things she hasn’t yet mastered, or is trying for the first time, that send her spiraling.

For kids like my daughter, who have a greater fear of failure, it can be difficult to get started on anything new. Things like learning to ride a bike, memorizing multiplication tables, or even tying a shoelace for the first time send them to a place of fear and self-doubt.

This can quickly escalate into frustration and anger, inevitably ending in tears. So many tears!

As parents, when we see our kids overcome with fear and doubt, our instinct is to step in and offer encouragement. "I believe in you, buddy!" or "You’ve got this, kiddo!"

But what happens when positive encouragement isn’t enough?

While there’s no magic “off” switch for those tears, there are steps we can take to decrease our child’s frustration and help build up their self-confidence:

1. Resist the urge to compare.

While it’s tempting to compare your child’s progress to that of their sibling or peers, don’t.

Sure, we all have a friend whose kid is the all-star soccer player, or the youngest on the dance team, or the honor-roll student. And kudos to these kids for excelling at what they do, really.

But it’s perfectly okay if your six-year-old can’t play “Moonlight Sonata” on the piano. Trust me, their time will come.

2. Help remove the fear of making mistakes.

Mistakes are a steppingstone in the learning process—and yes, this applies to grown-ups too!

When a new activity doesn’t go as planned and your child gets upset, take a moment to validate those emotions. Providing a safe space for your child to reflect on where things went wrong can help alleviate feelings of self-doubt or embarrassment.

This allows your child to feel empowered to make appropriate changes and try again.

3. Create opportunities for success.

When you have a child who consistently asks for help, it can be hard, at times, to take a step back. At least for me it is, especially when we’re running late (which is more often than I’d care to admit!).

But small, everyday tasks like tying shoes, packing a lunch, or zipping up a particularly tricky jacket can give your little one a much-needed boost of self-confidence. Completing the task themselves, even if you provided a bit of guidance, may empower them to try it on their own next time.

(Pro-tip: Worksheets like this free self-confidence builder can also help your kids visually identify their strengths.)

4. Foster new talents.

Encouraging a new activity may seem counterintuitive if your child is easily frustrated. However, trying something new that is outside of their comfort zone will stretch your child to achieve greater things.

They may even discover a new talent that provides an extra boost of self-esteem.

(If you are looking for resources, my children’s book, "The Talented Pretzel," is a wonderful story to read aloud with your child to open up conversations about self-esteem.)

5. Celebrate hard work—even the small stuff.

Maybe your child didn’t make the all-star basketball team. Heck, maybe they didn’t score a single basket all season. The important thing to remember is that they went out there and gave it their all.

Help your child understand their value by pointing out a great pass they made, or how they supported a teammate who scored. These small acknowledgements may be just the inspiration they need to keep going!

Trust the Process

While these steps can help you navigate a path toward self-confidence, change doesn’t happen overnight. Be sure to allow yourself some grace along the way.

Several years ago, we drew up plans for a pool in our backyard. Naturally, my kids’ safety was the top priority. As soon as we broke ground, both girls started swim lessons.

My perfectionist child cried her way through countless lessons. But we celebrated each milestone, no matter how small, and created a safe space for her to share her emotions when she struggled.

Today, she glides through the water like Katie Ledecky.

Yes, it took her longer than others to get there, but she did get there. And if you ask her today, she’ll tell you herself that she’s a terrific swimmer (Hooray!). She might even challenge you to a game of Marco Polo!